When it comes to fitness, there is NO finish line*

Don't be fooled this is the serious incline of Sawyer's Hill

Especially if the route includes a hill.

I've attempted two hill sessions so far this week and I full-out-sucked at both of them :-(( I reeeeeeally wish I was exaggerating for once ;-))

Last night was a learn to run session based around the hill in Battersea Park. This was the death scene to my current running love affair: I got the worst throbbing headache just as I commenced running with the girls last night and my good mood evaporated immediately as well as any desire to run anywhere. But since the session lasts an hour and my stuff was locked in the boot of the Trainer's car - For good or bad I persevered. But oh to have been struck down.

Tonight I was hill running with AJ in Richmond: This proved to be the burial ground to my running love affair.  Both AJ and I had forgotten how long and hideous Sawyer's Hill is. Last time I ran this - during a 10km race no less - I actually hallucinated that my only get out would be if I was clubbed over the head with a spade. Totally random but tonight I recalled that exact feeling. Let's just say we selected a steep 100m section and played hill tag 10 times each. Still horrendous, still couldn't breathe even slightly but I'm starting to get that gluteus maximus muscle pain that I'm always hankering after.

I realised tonight that the biggest obstacle isn't the hills but the fact that I've gotten lazy and my fitness has dropped. MASSIVELY.  I haven't power walked anywhere since I completed the Moonwalk 10 days ago and my lungs intuitively know what I sometimes forget - that there will never be a finish line when it comes to my own personal fitness if I want to be able to run 10km or more. The last couple of days have been a painful, breathless wake up call.

Time to get real. Time to get back with the daily exercise regime. Time to get with the Mission.

*Quoted from Nike Women FB status 25th May 2011

Helterskelter

This is EXACTAMONDO how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks.

BIG LIFE CHANGES do this to me.

Is changing your life upside down - even temporarily - a good, great or terrible idea?

Am I running away from the things that disappoint me about myself and my own life?   Am I setting myself back a 100 paces from the happy place I am now and all the amazing people I have in my life? OR Am I expanding my own horizons, chasing my dreams, tapping into new possibilities and breaking free from my all-too comfortable comfort zone?

I CANNOT DECIDE. 

For all the progress I've made over my journey to date.

 I'm still a massive scared-dee-cat.

I don't want to befall some hideous situation.

I've seen EVERY CSI episode. Life can get grim.

The last time I did something similar - I arrived in a strange place with no friends or contacts and little money and uber naive... I was nineteen...... to discover the police circling, the owner arrested for embezzlement and the resort on lock down and looking like the scene of multiple violent crimes.  

There went my summer job!

It was a MASSIVE test of my resourcefulness - I left as soon as it was daylight, took some MASSIVE risks which urgh! I am SO LUCKY when I think back to what coulda-shoulda-woulda.... a Hawaiian girl basically saved me...... and relocated myself to a much nicer area for my summer - Cape Cod.

Cape Cod has a BIG PLACE in my HEART FOREVER. 

Best time of my life EVER. (Check Home above).

But I'm worried - if something similar happens again - I think I'm too jaded and too old to take those chances anymore. How sad is that?

As it is, it has taken me 8 years to attempt another big solo adventure.

Even then I have a LOT more security factored in. 

I am older. Though I am unfortunately NOT wiser ;-))

I have sorted out the finances and thanks to the GOD that is credit - I have a get-out-of-disaster emergency card, if need be.

PLUS I am so fortunate to be spending time with someone 

- an idol of mine - 

who inspires my heart.

But there's still a nagging doubt I have on mental repeat:

 'What if it isn't what I hope it will be?'

Why do I think in 4 months I can find the answer to the unknown question that has been plaguing me for yearssssssssssssssssssssssss?

That is too much pressure to put on one little trip.

Even if it is a BIG adventure for me.

As there are wayyyyyyy too many thoughts zooming around my head 

and too many feelings helterskeltering my heart,

 to allow me to get on with my current MAHOUSIVE TO DO LIST this weekend, 

I have decided to adopt this mantra ;-)) xx

Carpet Burn

Can you make out what this is? The clue's in the title.  This is me giving myself carpet burn, or more accurately rolling the back of my thigh over a tennis ball to try and sort out the ouchy knot in my thigh muscle.

Confession time:  I actually 'injured myself' not during the 60km walk on Saturday (as would be logical) but running too fast on a 500m dash to the cinema on Sunday as I was running late.  Still pumped from my 60km achievement, I mistakenly thought I was Usain Bolt's long lost relation and well anyway I kinda overdid it and NOT actually being a long lost cousin, even 28 times removed, of the Sprint Master, well my knackered leg muscles went into protest and this knot thing occurred. Major bummer.

So last night and tonight - after pushing too hard on a couple of training runs, i.e going slow rather than uber sloooooowwwwww - {tonight it was taking me 7 mins to run just over a kilometer and that was my fastest length ;-(( } - but anyway when I 'push myself too hard' the knot makes its' presence known. Ergo the tennis ball comes out.

Actually I'm not convinced the tennis ball is heavy duty enough; alternatively my technique is all wrong. Either way I nearly set my bottom on fire tonight from all the back and forwards friction. Oops.

Post tonight's Learn to Run session AJ was making murmurings about trying a Sports Massage and I think she might be right (as always!!).  Having a sports massage wouldn't even have occurred to me, left to my own devices, as it's something pro sports people and good runners have, not people, like me, who struggle to jog/limp to the lamp post and back. I feel like such a fraud.

Let's just hope I don't have to explain how I got myself in a knot xx

shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, YEH

Who doesn't LOVE Summer and all the possibilities it brings?!

In truth, I have been coasting on my current weight plateau for months.  I am far from petite but truthfully I am happy where I am. REPEAT: I am farrrrrrrrr from perfect and there are a thousand things I would change about myself - inside and out - if I could only locate a suitably qualified fairy godmother. But for me, size 12 land is a pretty rare and so pretty happy place to be.

When you have been a horribly wobbly size 14-16+ for years and years AND YEARS and maddeningly unable to change that, being a size 12, even being stuck at size 12 is UTTER BLISS by comparison. I still have a belly and I wouldn't wear a bikini or a top that doesn't fall to at least my hips in public EVEN if you paid me a £1million smackaroonies. No-one wants to see a muffin top/ jelly belly and I would die of shame so OF COURSE I would LOVE to change that. But recently size 12 happiness has been sapping my fitness superpowers and fuelling the too frequent sugar feasts.

Today though a couple of things changed - today was the first day of truly tee-shirt weather. Balmy. Sunny. And completely "summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those summer nights" summer lovin. Previously I hated this change in the weather as it meant not being able to hide my bulk under those brilliantly disguising winter layers. FYI Winter is a blessed relief to those who are not a perfect physical specimen. Summer, not so much.

But actually being able to walk home in a tee {and leggings!} reminded me of the stakes: Being able to wear WHATEVER I want, however summer skimpy - in what is shaping up to be the BEST POSSIBLE SUMMER EVER. That is worth a £1million smackaroonies to me and an opportunity not to be wasted. I will never get a summer like this AGAIN - pesky life will never allow the fates to align in this way again for sure. This is too precious even for me to mess up!

And to drive the message home, a conversation with my boss today which resulted in being asked to act up to a senior management level until I depart for my SUMMER FUN reminded me just how motivating AMBITION is - heart and panic attack inducing ;-) but UBER-MOTIVATING.

There was a definite spring in my step on my walk home tonight - that's been missing whilst I've been happily taking up resident in size 12 land.

Summer Lovin' Hottie is Hot to Trot! xx

The Slippery Slope

One thing that being off work due to sickness has brought home to me is that without a routine - I am lost.  My c.12,000 steps a day minimum has kept the REALLY bad eating habits of late in check and all those excess calories not too visible, though the weight, unsurprisingly, is creeping on. Not sitting occupied at my desk and having free rein to the fridge instead whilst I'm home alone with no-one around to rein my behaviour in - I become an eating fiend. Seriously two lunches - demolished. Tub of ice cream - annihilated. Cutting corners off my lovely flatmate's delicious carrot birthday cake - well I'm a repeat offender.

I know that I lack discipline. But I don't know how you create discipline. I have never known that answer. Never get sick? Never take a holiday? Always live with other people? Lock the fridge? I do know that there is a multi-billion industry that feeds every and any weight loss wannabe with every possible diet and fitness combination under the sun, but not a discipline plan.

In the absence of discipline, I make plans - many, many plans - my current plan consists of:
a) completing my virtual wall of china walk and training for my 60km walk in May
b) training for a 10km race date tbc - currently, depressingly, I can run the grand distance of 150m without wanting to keel over, as I discovered on Saturday, so I have my work cut out on this one!
c) 1st April commence Paleo and last the full month. (Last time I made it to day 19)

a-c are all an attempt to get off the current slippery slope that I'm on and lose 10lbs (which includes re-losing 5lbs) in the 10 weeks I have remaining before I depart for my exciting, cannot wait, hope-to-be-fantabulous 6 months sabbatical.

If a-c don't work, I have my backups d-z!! Wish me luck. xx

FEBRULOUS: The Journey not the Destination

I may have had incredibly sore knees - but this was my undisputed highlight of Februlous..... 

Well that and running 10km in 1 hour 6 mins with Pui-Tien and Jo......

Well actually getting an amazing pressie from the Cheiftan of Cool: My Fitblr Buddy and my first ever bunch of fleurs also made Februlous rock........  

In short there were no shortage of Februlous highlights!! THANK YOU xx

Well today is the last day of February and I'm more than a little glad as this marks the end of the seemingly never ending 280km Februlous Challenge. Today also marks the first BIG fitness challenge I didn't emerge victorious from.

Really my Februlous Challenge was over 2 weeks ago - when knackered knees and insufficient fitness made it clear that I wasn't close to ready to running 280km in a month. I managed 100km in 12 days (including 90km in 9 days back to back) so I'm chuffed to have made it that far.  I never thought I'd actually be able to run my daily 10km commute rather than walk it - and whilst it was by no means perfect running, I battled on and kept on battling repeatedly for nine days.

I also learnt some important lessons during Februlous:

• Following an actual training plan, not just designing one and adequately preparing is VITALLY IMPORTANT. I hadn't attempted a 10km for a few months prior to Februlous. Going from a mileage of 0-8km a week to 70km a week, in hindsight, was never going to be the world's best plan. Actually it's a miracle I managed 100km at all!!


• It is so good to really push yourself and see what you are capable of - I did and discovered that I could run 10km for 9 days straight. I never knew that about myself. It wasn't the 28 days of 10kms that I had originally set as my goal but surely there's no such thing as failure when you push yourself outside your comfort zone in the first place?


• I LOVE racing with friends - FRIENDS make the race and ensure you go the distance. HILARIOUS COSTUMES make the race seem shorter!


• Mental resolve isn't limitless. Life will throw you curve balls - for me that manifested over the last few weeks as job insecurities, redundancy and financial hassles which weakened my typical fitness focus. I am not a machine - I got distracted, I got stressed, I got injured and I comfort ate my way to putting on 4lbs. In the end I had to take time out from Februlous - give my knees a rest, focus my energies on other more pressing priorities to get me over this hump and to allow me to get my head back in the fitness game. Step backs in career, weight, fitness, relationships are a fact of life - but it's up to me to ensure that the step backs are only temporary. The support that my friends have shown me over the last few weeks has made such a massive difference in ensuring that I do actually effect a 'comeback' and I couldn't be more grateful.


• I need to rediscover a structured training schedule that works for me, that is sufficiently diverse, that excites me and most importantly ensures I stay active 5-6 times a week. After all the running, I've been hankering to take up swimming lessons, boxing and trampolining again - activities that my knees might just approve of - well the swimming at least!!


• Recovery days and a great stretching routine are WAY more important than I previously gave them credit for. Running everyday is nigh on impossible. Slow and steady with scheduled rest days is superior to fast, furious and unrelenting (though clearly my running is anything but fast!) Running 10km for nine days straight made me a tad loopy by day 9, not to mention, gave me rather 'lovely' blistered feet, a black toenail, sore knees and achy hips. Definitely one painful lesson I won't forget in a hurry.

But tomorrow marks a new month, with fresh challenges (better fortune?) and lighter and hopefully warmer Spring days!! My March goals include losing the four pounds I put on during Februlous, progressing through my virtual Great Wall of China Walking challenge, establishing a routine of running 25km every week but MOST IMPORTANTLY rediscovering the fun in getting fitter. After all there is the little {BIG} matter of kicking off "The Sky's the Limit" 8 month fitness challenge I am embarking on with Challenge Hannah. {As this next challenge is a little more complicated that my previous fitness challenges - I've created a separate page on my Girl on a Mission blog where I have noted, in full, the details of the IMMENSE task at hand and where I will be tracking and ticking off Challenge Hannah and my progress (OR NOT!!) to that open plane door!!}

Fortunately when one door closes, another one opens. Though if the door in question happens to be that of an aeroplane, then pray to God you are strapped to an experienced parachutist!! xx

The Pink Elephant in the Room

Just to prove that I do sometimes brush my hair

I have been the incredibly fortunate recipient of some lovely compliments over the past months about my changing size and shape from a whole spectrum of friends, family and colleagues - from an old Finance Director colleague announcing I'd lost a tonne to all and sundry (not at all embarrassing!) to fellow SUPERchicks convincing me I've miniaturised and looking fab for it (much less embarrassing) and the whole multitude in between - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for these kind(ly meant) words.

Admittedly I do not handle compliments very well and I know it drives people crazy that I brush their kind words aside. I absolutely do not mean to dismiss these compliments or be in anyway ungrateful, but it feels wrong to accept compliments when truthfully, I shouldn’t have let myself get so overweight in the first place. Plus I honestly still have a big distance to go (clothes hide a multitude of sins, bikinis hide NOTHING). I really must not get complacent or comfortable as I am now and falter before I arrive at my bikinilicious destination.

One Twenty Five - the WORLD's most AWESOME WEIGHT LOSS BLOGGER FYI -  remarks much more eloquently that I can, on the issues around receiving the “you’ve lost weight” compliments - check out for thoughts and her CRAZILY BRLLIANT blog which I stalk non-stop just 'cause I adore her and 'cause she knows how to style her hair!!

Anyway I wanted to do a bit of a visual progress check to see how the transformation is going and to prove to my lovely friends, who tell me that I must not lose any more weight, that unfortunately there is still a little more to lose. These pics have been on my laptop for about a week – but it has just taken me till now to find the nerve to put them up – I’ve looked worse, much worse admittedly but hopefully I’ll look even better in a few months time.

To recap this is me a year or so pre-mission attempting some sort of exercise with the Hare - weight unknown but around 12 stone 6 lbs I'm guessing, as I was that weight for years - I'm clearly having a rockingly good hair day as you can tell by my face!

Friends through thick and thin  - literally!!

THE UGLY TRUTH - I found this picture just tonight -and it completely MORTIFIES me - how could I have eaten this?? I am so ashamed. Well I did and most probably, VERY happily :-(( 

Weight a gazillion stone!!

This is me June 2010 at the Moonwalk, weight: 11 stone 10lbs – voila lovely pic of me numero trois, quatre, cinque: I remember at the time feeling so disappointed that I hadn't made much of a dent in reducing my tummy before having to bare my midrift for the Moonwalk, but ce la vie and at least I'm finally on the right track!

Breathing in BIG TIME baby for my "first haven't been photographed this naked" since I was a tot!!

Going gangsta on the Hare for some unknown but clearly hilarious reason - notice the girth

Way too knackered post 26.2 mile Moonwalk to remember to suck in the belly anymore.

Me last week, February 2011, weight 10 stone 4lbs (too much carb loading and sugar cannot be offset by any amount of running):

Never be photographed side on is my advice!!

Promise that isn't my electronic tag bracelet but rather my Nike Sportsband.

I hate to admit it but despite appearances I was probably breathing in BIG TIME here as well.

When I first saw these latest photos, my first and only thought was – eeek I REALLY need to get my hair done. It was strange realising that I have still completely trained myself not to see the blinding obvious – the literal pink elephant in the room that is my protruding tummy. Most probably this is how and why I got to where I was twelve months ago and was seriously overweight for about 5 years - such a waste of all those fun uni years. Sometimes seeing what’s right in front of you is the hardest thing in the world – sometimes you see it only to dismiss it because you just can't face dealing with what you see. Regardless I ended up with a big disconnect between my eyes, my thoughts. my mouth and my emotions – like the weight – this mindset is also proving far trickier to shift than I imagined.

But hopefully over the next few months I can sculpt and reduce:

1. Le TUMMY MASSIVELY


2. UPPER ARMS 


3. INNER THIGHS - just a smidgeon


4. DOUBLE CHIN - hmmm is it possible to train your jaw? - maybe I just need to chat more!!


5. Tone up le BOTTOM - it's getting a bit flat for my liking - but that could be just in comparison to my rather sizeble midrift?

And emerge from my pink elephant cocoon in time for bikini season looking like so:

CANNOT WAIT!!

But first things first – I’m off for an UBER URGENT hair appointment – one must always look their best for their LOVEheart debut - this Saturday!! xx

p.s. Today's 10km run is complete and I have REALLY sore knees, which I'm currently icing, to prove it - but more on the running tomorrow.

SUPERchicks' swan song

Not the news I was hoping to share today. I will post the intended news and comp details tomorrow.

I'm actually home, slumped on the sofa mid afternoon on a workday and it's not a work from home day. This week I was made redundant. TWICE. So I'm now a very poor lady of leisure, until I figure out a plan. FAST!!

But though my personal situation isn't great, I'm actually VERY sad to be saying so long to SUPERchicks - they have been a personal LIFELINE to me since I moved to London three years ago:

Whilst flatmates, friends and jobs have come and gone, my parents got divorced and I became estranged from my mother; SUPERchicks have been the one constant. A happy, fun and distracting constant that has even made me fitter, happier and healthier when I'd all but given up hope of ever losing all the excess lbs. SUPERchicks has kept me sane, been a great stress buster and has challenged me to get in the best physical shape I can achieve and NOT accept the status quo.

It has literally been the best money I have ever spent in my life. Then latterly, SUPERchicks was a great employer.

But most of all, to me, SUPERchicks are all the amazing, AMAZING people I've been fortunate to train alongside, be inspired by, compete in events and races with, laugh and moan with and share life's ups and downs - be it; job stresses, exams, flat moves, weddings plans, pregnancies, funny stories, dates {more funny stories ;-)) } and fitness adventures and ALL WHILST WORKING OUT either at 7am in the morning or 7pm at night!!

These ladies are literally PHENOMENAL.


Though SUPERchicks has had to bid farewell; Cat, Mel, Sarah, Nic, Dom, AJ, CJ, Jade, Lucinda, Trish, Caitriona, Vicky, Hannah, Zaadi, Shoshana, Kaye, Gemma, Pui-Tien, Emily, Louise, Jen, Lizzie  and ALL the SUPERchicks I've forgetfully omitted will ALWAYS be SUPERchicks in my eyes - with the teeshirts to prove it!

THANK YOU SUPERchicks for inspiring and supporting me in my fitness adventure.
IT HAS BEEN A SUPERDELIGHT AND I WILL SUPERMISS YOU xx

It's NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS time!!

"The future is the reality we set for ourselves"

I LOVE setting New Year's Resolutions - I love the clean slate feeling and the insight you get into people's hopes, dreams and ambitions for the year ahead. Infact I love making resolutions so much, I begin thinking about them in October, start asking people what theirs are from November onwards and set my own on New Year's Eve without fail*. Here are mine for 2k11:

1. Go a whole year without chocolate I am a binge chocolate eater. My brain doesn't comprehend moderation so much so I put on at least 4lbs over the last fortnight from chocolate alone. Like an alcoholic - it's time to go cold turkey - my bikini awaits (once I lose 10% body fat/ 25 cm from my waist/ 20lbs)!!

2. Complete February's 280km running challenge including kitting out my fellow LOVEhearts for the LOVErun. *Kaye let me into the miracle of Janathon this morning so I'm now a signed up Janathon participant and will be setting off for my first run of the year the minute this post is published! (If you want to get the lowdown on Janathon - head over to Kaye's sweet blog for all the intel). When I say "run" - I'm heading to the seventh lampost and back cos I forgot to collect my inhalers today and it's already dark and it's raining AND I feel so unfit (see Resolution 1). Hopefully you can submit such a short route!?

3. Get my 10km race time under 1 hour

4. Complete a half marathon even if I have to crawl over the finish line

5. Complete another challenge with the Hare - The Hare has already been hard at work compiling a list of possible walkathons - VERY exciting but more on this later as I'm still figuring out which races are required to be done in your underwear or similar. There's ALWAYS a catch!!

6. Spend less than £100 on my TfL travel card over the next 12 months.

7. Stay in my overdraft (Trying a bit of reverse psychology here: Every year I say I'm going to pay off my overdraft and every year I fail miserably)

8. Expand my wardrobe to something other than training gear or work clothes. PEOPLE - I'm finally taking the hint!!

9. Attempt to impress people with my {as yet V. limited} culinary skills courtesy of Nigella. This resolution is hopefully off to a good start although "Come Dine and Duel" next Saturday might need to be literal as I managed to invite a host of people before realising that we only have 6-8 chairs in the flat. Hopefully there's nothing wrong with a Nigella supper picnic?!

10. Sort out my career/ jobs (ie. help make SUPERchicks a leading women's fitness SUPERbrand) AND pull off spending two months in the US, get my proposal accepted by an agent and get published AND become a guest presenter on the Gadget Show/ become the next Anneka Rice. (I think you'll agree from my YouTube debut that I have literally NO hope of pulling this off!!) A girl can dream!!

So I've told you mine - NOW I REALLY WANT TO HEAR YOURS xx

So Long, Farewell 2010

2010 has been a BRILLIANT year. I was reminded of just how brilliant 2010 has been when, during today's annual clearout, I came across my 2010 resolutions which I'd scribbled last NYE . Although the clear out is not yet complete (I'm up to 9 filled bin liners of paperwork waiting to be recycled) and my shoulders are aching like crazy and the place is STILL a COMPLETE tip, nonetheless I want to quickly recap my 2010 highlights and do a quick celebratory jig.

Girl on a Mission's Wall of Fitness!! Check out all those medals!!

• I SOMEHOW found the motivation to do something about my weight/ fitness AND not give up immediately!


• The Hare and I became Marathoners - power walking over the finish at 7hrs 30mins on 20th June!!!!


• I completed 3 x 10km races - running at least half the distance non-stop (Boutique Run - 10th July, Old Deer Park 10km - 26th September, SUPERchicks' Richmond 10km - 6th November) 


• I was part of a SUPERamazing team that undertook the 10km Commando Challenge on 10th October

The Hare created this brilliant Commando collage for me - which has pride of place on my wall!

• I ran a 6km Santa Run non-stop with no training - still blown away by this feat on the 11th December


• I completed 114 SUPERchick training sessions (not including 4 weeks of Bootcamp)


• I've walked a grand total of 1091 miles - woohoo (but only wore my MBTs once -any size 5 MBT wanters out there?!)


• I raised over £500 for various charities


• I learnt HOW to RUN


• I tried lots of new activities, I made some amazing friends, I got INSPIRED and I benefited from brilliantly unfaultering support - THANK YOU to everyone who's trained, moaned and raced with me, checked out my blog or cheered me on my way. YOU really made 2010 a special year for me.


• I finally lost 2 stone - a task that's been on my yearly planner for about 4-5 years

The well used fitness tracker

After 12 months of fun, sweat, aches, breathlessness, giggles and some tears I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER. 2010 is a year I won't quickly forget in a hurry.

Truly, my reaction to this photo was a shocked "I'm pretty". Typically "Urgh" is my typical reaction to photos of me.  This change ONLY took a year!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY LOVELIEST AND MOST DARLING BLOG READERS. HOPE ALL YOUR WISHES FOR 2011 COME TRUE.  (My wish for 2011 has already been donated to SUPERlouise so I'm going to have to work extra hard to earn my stripes in 2011!!)  xx

p.s.  2011 is going to be even more fun and challenging than 2010. The best is yet to come!!
p.p.s. One of the surrealist moments of my year was my athletic little sister requesting a circuit training session from me this week. From me!!! Since I am no trainer we did end up getting totally distracted by the monkey bars and swings, but before we did, I managed to get my sis to complete one entire pressup!! See for yourselves:

An amazing feat of athletics!!

Full Disclosure

“My Name is Girl on a Mission and I’m a Sugar Fiend.” My teeth should be aching after all the sugar I’ve had over the last four days –as ashamed as I should be to admit it, I’ve consumed (in no particular order) – 2 Krispy Cream Glazed Donuts, 6 Smartie Bites (120kcals each BUT AMAZING) 2 x 100g Cadbury’s Diary Milk, 3 Reeces Cups, 4 Twister Ice-creams and I can’t really remember what else.

Worst still there was absolutely no particular reason for the sugar fest: I wasn’t in a particularly bad mood, wasn't suffering from PMS, hadn’t just been dumped (if wishing made it so), wasn’t told to clear my desk (well that’s coming any day now but I’m not quite there yet) and wasn’t even just generally hating myself. There was absolutely no reason for it. More bizarrely than that, after chowing down one of the 100g bars of Dairy Milk in less than 10 mins, I distinctly remember feeling nothing at all, not an emptiness and not guilt but something resembling what I imagine people who meditate experience – just a peaceful tranquillity washing over me. I know you think I sound crazy. You should know that I know that you think I sound crazy for writing this. But seriously that’s how I felt.

It’s weird (though not completely unexpected, if I’m honest) but after all the effort, sweat and toil, ultimately I’m still a chunky monkey with a uncontrollable penchant for sugary treats. I’m not a radically different person just because I no longer have three chins. Although my mindset has altered massively on the exercise front and what feats of athleticism I can accomplish when I put the effort in, my mindset has not shifted even a millimetre with regards to the sugar habit. I do eat more salads and fruit and I’ve even started a tradition in the office to bring in fruit not just cakes (I DID THAT. ME. – SO PROUD!!!), but at the same time I literally have no appetite to cut down on the sugar. (I crack myself up at my own jokes all the time! Did I mention I’m single?!)

Underneath it all I have a sense that autumn’s on its was – I know it’s still August, but honestly I can feel it – the mornings are darker, the grass is wet with dew and the evenings are starting to close in quicker. Plus my summer hols was eons ago!! With the onset of autumn is the knowledge that my summer fitness adventure is ending and I never made it into a bikini (and likely NEVER will). I can’t sustain this level of exercise for that much longer as it’ll soon be just too dark/dangerous to be out walking at 5am in the morning and 9pm at night. When that happens and I revert back to my old habits, most probably I’ll just regain the weight in a third of the time it took me to lose it all. Now I’m definitely not feeling a sense of peaceful tranquillity wash over me!

I don’t know how to solve my sugar addiction. If I did I’d be very wealthy woman and able to shrug of impending unemployment with a devil-may-care attitude, not to mention able to afford as much liposuction as my heart desired. What I do know is that I am still totally shocked to discover that you should only have a small sugary treat once a week and ideally just ONCE A FORTNIGHT. (According to SuperSlim SuperTrainer SuperNutritionist Sarah). Even weeks after discovering this, this is still totally alien, not to mention mind blowing to me. x

My Family and Other Animals

"That's the trouble with this family," said Larry bitterly; "no give and take, no consideration for others."

"You don't have much consideration for others," said Margo.

"It's all your fault, Mother," said Larry austerely; "you shouldn't have brought us up to be so selfish."

"I like that!" exclaimed Mother. "I never did anything of the sort!"

"Well, we didn't get as selfish as this without some guidance," said Larry.

(Family tete a tete about moving a donkey - Gerald Durrell, 1956)

(ZsaZsa - still looking deceptively puppyish - but honestly she is 13)

So far I'm not loving this Easter - the weather is rubbish and my Dad is driving me crazy and worse I'm letting it. Irking me most is the fact that besides accompanying my Dad on a rubbish bin purchasing expedition and measuring up what feels like every fish tank in a twenty mile vicinity (GOOD TIMES!!), my Dad is refusing to commit to a 10 mile walk on the South Downs - instead suggesting that we do three circuits of the local Dog Park.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm NOT a dog person - they bark incessantly, defecate in the most inappropriate places, spend too much time with their noses in other dogs' butts, shed more hair than Prince William and have a tendency to BITE ME. Evidently the dislike is mutual. One exception to this is the family hound, ZsaZsa (or as her Vet Record has her "ZsaZsa Bellissima Darling").  Unfortunately she is now a great dame as at 13 years old, or 91 doggy years she is undoubtedly now in the Golden Years of Life.  Secretly I'm going to be devastated when she goes and have been dreading coming home not to find her there so have been trying to convince Dad to get her stuffed to keep in our living room permanently, in the manner of TV soap Scrubs - hell we could even measure her up for her own glass case. 

ZsaZsa has been around for half my life and after 13 years of knowing me is probably the only living creature, other than the Hare, that is still faintly pleased to see me. (I should add that she's now partly blind - the dog not the Hare - so it's very probable that she has no idea who I am - but she hides it well!)

Most importantly however, despite poor sight, ZsaZsa can still distinguish between tasty snack and Human Flesh and so remains the only dog I will allow to take food off my hand - unlike the interloper Daisy Dog who cannot differentiate between her nose and tail with great success yet alone tasty snacks.  Most amazingly is that after 13 years of family rows, tantrums (mostly mine it appears) and other general unpleasantness, ZsaZsa is the only member of the family who has survived it all unscathed, remained on talking terms with everyone and is just as nice mannered and lovable as when she was deposited as a puppy in the then giant dog basket under the breakfast bar all those years ago. The same is definitely not true for the rest of this clan and last night I should have followed ZsaZsa's lead and taken myself off for a gander round the garden but instead decided to revert back to teenage rage and lambast my father with all my current frustrations. V. MATURE. (In my defense, after recent inroads into increasing my fitness, I now cannot cope with being cooped up inside).

Luckily in the years since I was a teenager some things have changed:
1. I now take time to work out what I can yell at him about that doesn't betray a family secret or isn't too below the belt. (Another thing I love about ZsaZsa is that a conversation with her OR about her doesn't land me in trouble - unlike just about every other conversational topic which is pretty much taboo with at least one member of our family)
2. My father has developed narcoleptic tendencies.

So when I returned to give my father a piece of my mind - I found him comatose in his chair - so had to satisfy myself with glowering at him for 20 seconds and cursing him as I stalked off to bed - like I said MATURE.

Hopefully Day 3 of Easter will go better - it looks hopeful - ZsaZsa has already bounded up to rest her head on my lap. She ain't dead yet and it looks like she has one more walk in her - South Downs is it - coming Dad?! x

Wanted: Grace

For the second day in a row, I awoke a little after 5am - contrary to my general knackeredness this exercise marlarky seems to be tricking my body clock into thinking I need less sleep not more. Hopefully the shift to British Summer Time tonight will trick my internal clock back onto more sociable hours - here's hoping. But awake, I only had one thing in mind - no not that, or that (minds out of the gutter please), instead I was craving a massage as my whole body was still aching like crazy.  One of my favourite massages is by Elmis as they have AMAZING heated water beds and its like being snuggled in a cocoon.  However having checked my bank balance last night in celebration of pay day, it is sadly very clear that such luxuries will not be on the horizon anytime soon. So I made do with a very hot shower and a quick rub down with Cowshed's Knackered Cow Body Oil which was similarly restorative and then feeling a little better I hauled myself off to Milton Keynes for a Children's Charity Committee Meeting where I am a Trustee.

Fast forward 6 hours - I got home to discover a letter confirming my place on the Moonwalk - HOORAY.  However I'm ashamed to confess that in my self-absorbed preoccupation with all my aches and pains, I had lost sight of the bigger picture; that I'm doing this to demonstrate support for those individuals and families who have had to deal or are dealing with Cancer.  Whatever I'm suffering now, is temporary and totally insignificant compared to the big "C", which is still too frequently and heart-breakingly terminal. Although I have been fortunate not to know anyone personally fighting Breast Cancer, I do have a personal reason for doing the Moonwalk - namely to show my respect for a very unique lady and mother of two young boys who dealt with her terminal cancer prognosis publically, (and as a result has single-handedly reversed the U.K's falling cervical screening uptake among young women and so prevented many other women from meeting a similar fate) but most importantly she did so with exceptional COURAGE and GRACE.

R.I.P Jade x