Helterskelter

This is EXACTAMONDO how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks.

BIG LIFE CHANGES do this to me.

Is changing your life upside down - even temporarily - a good, great or terrible idea?

Am I running away from the things that disappoint me about myself and my own life?   Am I setting myself back a 100 paces from the happy place I am now and all the amazing people I have in my life? OR Am I expanding my own horizons, chasing my dreams, tapping into new possibilities and breaking free from my all-too comfortable comfort zone?

I CANNOT DECIDE. 

For all the progress I've made over my journey to date.

 I'm still a massive scared-dee-cat.

I don't want to befall some hideous situation.

I've seen EVERY CSI episode. Life can get grim.

The last time I did something similar - I arrived in a strange place with no friends or contacts and little money and uber naive... I was nineteen...... to discover the police circling, the owner arrested for embezzlement and the resort on lock down and looking like the scene of multiple violent crimes.  

There went my summer job!

It was a MASSIVE test of my resourcefulness - I left as soon as it was daylight, took some MASSIVE risks which urgh! I am SO LUCKY when I think back to what coulda-shoulda-woulda.... a Hawaiian girl basically saved me...... and relocated myself to a much nicer area for my summer - Cape Cod.

Cape Cod has a BIG PLACE in my HEART FOREVER. 

Best time of my life EVER. (Check Home above).

But I'm worried - if something similar happens again - I think I'm too jaded and too old to take those chances anymore. How sad is that?

As it is, it has taken me 8 years to attempt another big solo adventure.

Even then I have a LOT more security factored in. 

I am older. Though I am unfortunately NOT wiser ;-))

I have sorted out the finances and thanks to the GOD that is credit - I have a get-out-of-disaster emergency card, if need be.

PLUS I am so fortunate to be spending time with someone 

- an idol of mine - 

who inspires my heart.

But there's still a nagging doubt I have on mental repeat:

 'What if it isn't what I hope it will be?'

Why do I think in 4 months I can find the answer to the unknown question that has been plaguing me for yearssssssssssssssssssssssss?

That is too much pressure to put on one little trip.

Even if it is a BIG adventure for me.

As there are wayyyyyyy too many thoughts zooming around my head 

and too many feelings helterskeltering my heart,

 to allow me to get on with my current MAHOUSIVE TO DO LIST this weekend, 

I have decided to adopt this mantra ;-)) xx