Staring Failure in the Face

I failed.

I want to say this kindly (for my own ego's sake) but there is really is no nice way to admit you failed.

I haven't just failed to get bikini fit - only a two year goal - I have gotten really fat over the last couple of months. Disgustingly fat to boot. I am almost glad I have no scales right now. I'm not sure I could bear seeing 12 stone anything flashing up at me between my toes.  But I did check my waist measurement tonight: 41 inches i.e. me at my fattest. Worse the chest pains are back. I can't believe I am saying this but I am right back where I started all that miserable time ago.

There goes my dream of wearing a bikini on the beach (I fear that will always be a pipe dream)

There goes my dream of buying a couple of nice work outfits when I go to New York this week to wear when I get home and magically transform from major frump to scrump-dilly-umptious.

Instead of wowing people when I get back, I will be reverting back to hiding my humiliation at putting all the weight back on. Except weight gain isn't something you can hide very easily, especially when people haven't seen you in a while.

God I just hope I didn't throw all my fat clothes out. I'm going to need them.

As fat as I am now, I'm scared of getting even fatter. Being out of my well-honed routine and in 100 degree heat just does not agree with me, at least my weight. You can't get out and about and actually enjoy the sunshine and the summer. You can't walk anywhere. Even crossing the car park is an issue. It's so scorchingly hot.

Today I finally lost my patience with the indescribably monotonous hotter than hot weather. Actually I have major weather RAGE. But really who can you get upset at - the Weather God?!

Everyone keeps telling me that October is lovely here and that's when everyone gets out and about again. Great except I'll have gone from being forced to spend my entire summer inside and ballooning up to a size 16 again just to return to the UK in time for the freezing cold, dark and wet winter when you just don't want to be outside. Except I'll be forced to spend hours in the dark miserable cold freezing my a$$ off again to lose the weight. Great. Just great.

Can you tell I've have a major sense of humour failure today?

As much as I'm enjoying being in the US
I wish it would have been a weight neutral experience.

Today I missed spending my Sunday wandering the London parks.
I miss just being outside and seeing people enjoy themselves.
I miss walking down the avenue in Hyde Park and staring up at the enormous trees.
I miss walking for miles.
I miss looking down and not being confronted by an enormous belly.
I miss being able to burn off what I eat.

I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'll ever be able to do a pull up and that I don't absolutely HATE wall balls- God whoever wants to throw a medicine ball 15 feet in the air and squat simultaneously? I wouldn't mind so much if the 20 min weight routines worked but clearly all my Leanfit sessions dying in the heat haven't made a jot of difference.

I am enormously, hideously, self-loathening F.A.T. 

There's just no denying it.