Disappointment

How I deal or rather don’t deal with disappointment is how I ended up 3 stone overweight, just doing my best to keep my head down and not bother anyone or be bothered and why I never really bothered to find a way out of this destructive cycle.

It has taken me a really long time to even begin to get back on track – I don’t know what the actual trigger was for this change (although I know what a few of the trigger points were) or even yet what the answer is. But I do know that any change and with it, a sense of happiness and good fortune, accumulates by a magnitude. Getting on that road is really the hardest and the biggest step to take. I was very lucky that I got some lucky breaks and met/found a few key individuals who inspired and supported me to even just think about some baby steps. Even a single step, is a little step closer to where and who you want to be. Every subsequent step gets a little easier and opens up more options and possibilities which makes the next step a little easier too.

I still suffer knock backs and rejections – I still don’t deal with it great, the two I got this week and how I’m feeling today are testament to that fact alone – but I deal with it a little better. I take a lot of care to remind myself that, you know what, it was really great that I even put myself out there and tried, but not just that, that I also gave it 100% – that’s what really matters, not that I failed to get the result I was after.

One of the hardest lessons I’m still learning, (I suspect it will be a life-long lesson) is not to take failure too personally – the creeping goosebumps up my spine and down my arms and legs, the dry mouth, the tears and the knowledge that I will never be pretty, slim, funny, intelligent or successful enough to make up for the fact that underneath it all, I am fairly dull and more than a little ridiculous – this is my signal that ironically I’ve failed again not to take a knock back personally, as I’m already taking it personally.

When I get to this point – where I got to today – this is the point I find it hardest to get back on an even happy keel; to convince myself that there’s a better opportunity waiting on the horizon and hunting through itunes for a sufficiently cheesy song to put a smile on my face even before I’m really feeling it.

Normally at this point I would eat a box of malteasers, a packet of biscuits, a box of magnums or a 100g bar of chocolate. Minimum. Just because. I still get the urge to go to the shops for this sort of escape – but today I took another little step and instead decided to write this post, buy a new upbeat song off itunes and then go to bed.

Happiness can get another shot tomorrow. x

p.s. In an attempt to lift the mood of today’s pity party – this was my itunes choice - what do you think? Made me smile.