However as one of my completely fearless, not to mention BUFF Commando Team members – (Luscious Lucinda – the die-hard hardcore TRIATHLETE!!) was prepared to go on assignment and report back on her experience – I felt that this would be the perfect win-win.
LL dreaming about 2012 Olympic Stardom!!
Although I have no trepidation about sending this girl to traverse a flaming bear pit, swim through a lake full of piranhas and then outrun a leopard; her account of her latest commando prep assignment brought tears (of pain and laughter) to my eyes.
So here’s Luscious Lucinda’s hilarious account of her latest “supposedly relaxing” trial - ENJOY and Well Done Missus – I’ll be recommending you for full SUPERchick Honours for your service to your team and Girls on a Mission EVERYWHERE:
“I have the sort of flexibility that you would expect from a recently exhumed Pharaoh, you all know somebody like me; when they do a hamstring stretch you want to double check that they’re actually stretching and not just standing around, admiring their leg. Additionally there have been a few things recently to get my muscles a little, shall we say, TENSE; training for a triathlon and Commando Challenge, a coma-inducing-job, the bestest boss ever who never ever moans and having to share a double bed for a whole week with my (lovely) snoring Little Sister.
When my muscles started to feel like they were made of Adamantium, due to the knots rather than because I am utterly ripped (that day will come, oh yes it will!), then I really started to fantasize about this wondrous, no nonsense sounding ‘Sports Massage’. Also I felt like the lactic acid wasn’t completely leaving my body post SUPERchick sessions and as I don’t stretch out too much (which obviously helps my Madonna-style flexibility!), I decided to take heed of SUPERchick trainer Mel’s advice. {Again I must interject and just ask you to imagine the jaws soundtrack that accompanies these words - as you just know Mel’s advice will be suitable Mel-tastically HARDCORE!!}
Mel’s recommendation that a ‘Sports Massage’ would be a great thing for me to have as it helps with performance and would work out the tightness I was feeling sounded like the perfect antidote. Her other piece of advice was...'not to plan a training session afterwards, as you usually still feel worn out'…….if only I had questioned this part!
So, picture if you will some ‘me’ time, a luxurious relaxing treat, a babbling brook, Classic Fm (or perhaps Kanye West beats), tropical scents and Hugh Jackman massaging all your woes away, mmmmmm....
Imagine that all you want, but that is Far Far Away Land from a ‘sports massage’; afterwards I felt like the lovely woman, or was she an Mi5 interrogator?!, had ‘roughed me up’! She kneaded muscles in my body that I didn’t realise I had - side of the neck, who knew??! It was 60 mins of ‘oooh, no no of course that doesn’t ooh, ouch hurt’ and ‘no that pressure is...er...just great’. Obviously, it wasn’t just that, there were relaxing moments, but I don’t remember too many of these.
Afterwards I felt like a weak kitten, a thirsty, weak kitten.
Public transport is not a place to be when you feel like you’ve been put through a mangle. However, even with (lovely) snoring Little Sister, I was O.U.T. like a light; Sleeping Beauty and Snow White (post apple incident) had nothing on me that night.
Still dreaming of Olympic glory - even if it is coxswain to the seven dwarves' rowing team?
The day after I felt like Mr. Tickle - all (flexible) limbs, knots had dissipated and that lactic acid feel had been replaced with that lighter than light glow coupled with a ‘I-could-merk-Usain-Bolt-if-he-tried-it’.
Since then, I feel less taught and stronger, no questions about it. Also on the plus side: I have been future proofed as the massage helps prevent injuries (think tears, pulls and general aching) as well as making your muscles stronger. Also your skin gets a treat. On the downside, there is a little bit of an ‘OUCH’ factor, but really no more than 20 {million} of Mel’s Squat Jumps. Also it’s not the cheapest thing in the world (think the equivalent of a Topshop pair of heels).
However, that morning after feeling was enough of an incentive for me - I’m booking another massage, after the Commando Challenge, although this time, I will definitely be dosing up on Ibuprofen beforehand!”
So girls, take note: SuperMel and LL can’t both be wrong – although you first, pretty pleeeease x
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